Shopping in the net


Pre-$pendsgiving sales on adult diapers, 50% off your third investment. Get a free cactus with your purchase of a sex swing. Something for everyone in the family! Dammit, you’ll show the neighbors this year! Your competitive con-$umerism is unrivaled. Sex swing and strip pole. Splurge, buy the strip club. Suck it, Nancy. Oh wait, your mouth is too…are those Starbucks flavored candles?

Autumn wreath, autumn leaves, autumn bouquet, autumn in the park. Buy one, buy another, just one more, then we’ll give you a one-dollar coupon that expires when we start playing Christmas music. Joy to the world! They all smell the same.

Yankee could have at least added the scent of non-decomposable trash and vomit from last night’s Thanksgiving rager to autumn in the park. Thanks for the wonderful candle, son. I can really smell the weed from that 20-something-year-old hiding in the bushes.

Oh, what’s that? There is also a trace of people taking Instagram leaf latte art photos and quoting Harry Styles. Just stop your crying, it’s a sign of the times, we gotta get away from here. The police are after you. You gotta get away from here. You stole the white pumpkin apple spice frappe latte mint candle. You can try bribing your way out, but Harry, you’ll never learn. You’ve been here before. Damn mall cops.

What do you want for Christmas? A revolution. Overthrow the government. Fuck holidays, I’m atheist.

Candle it is. Con-$ume your white pumpkin apple spice frappe latte mint candle, my friend.

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